RESTORING RELATIONSHIPS WITH FAMILY MEMBERS

( August 19th 2013
Several persons have asked me about restoring family relationships especially when the individual in question is in recovery from addiction. This blog from January 3rd  has been edited to reflect my recommendations on this very important topic. I trust it has been dealt with adequately for now.)

RESTORING RELATIONSHIPS WITH FAMILY MEMBERS

It's a brand new year and I know many of you would have made some resolutions that will hopefully make you a better man, a better woman. In this blog I continue our conversation about drug abuse specifically in terms of those who are anxious to restore broken family relationships. Again I wish to emphasize that these suggestions are based on my own observations and life experiences as well as information I've picked up through a series of studies and are not fool-proof in any way. In my own case I've had cause to regret actions taken while yet a young man which have never quite been resolved except in terms of at least having a civil relationship with the individual my actions hurt in the process.

Having said that, there continues to be concerns about the inability of family members to deal with issues in a mature and responsible manner, and the problems of spousal abuse and murder/suicide seem to have become the norm and have in fact been escalating within recent times.  and although this is a worldwide phenomenon that requires more than just cursory attention the fact is that because of its urgency I propose to make some recommendations in the hope that at least my own children will benefit from what I hope they will consider words of wisdom from their dad.

One of the things on which many of us tend to agree is the inability of so many people to understand and deal with their emotions; so much so that issues at which some would smile can trigger off murderous intent in others. Relationships can be made very special if we understand that marriage is a partnership, thus making it easier to support each other, to empathize when things go wrong, to be happy with each other’s joys, to offer comfort when sad, to strengthen each other when we fail and compliment each other on our successes.

Men and women view things differently not only because of our gender differences, but also because of our experiences or lack thereof, so children should be taught at a very early age that men and women differ both physically and emotionally so that as they grow older they would recognize it makes no sense attempting to exercise control over another person as it just would not work.

Women undergo physiological changes that affect their emotions; feminine issues with which they must deal on a monthly basis, and to those issues are added the burden of child bearing and child rearing, home making and catering to the demands of spouses who have forgotten or who choose to ignore that women were chosen by God not to be a servant or slave but to be a companion and a help suitable for him.

Spouses should assist and support each other especially in these times when both heads of households may need to work to manage the high expenditure necessary to maintain a home and family. Someone has said that many wives have today become breadwinners and are no longer simply home makers. How true! Husbands though must still maintain their responsibility as protectors and if necessary, enjoy their status as joint provider. I know I do!

They should never raise a hand to their wives or use obscene words in conversation or in anger; neither should they attempt to control their wives. Sometimes it is best to hold your tongue if saying what you think at the time would create discord in the home. Most importantly one should never resort to violence to resolve a problem. It’s basically a matter of having mutual respect for each other.There were times when as a young man I had attempted to control my wife’s thoughts and actions. It never worked, so eventually I started accepting the things I could not change. 

Thirty and more years of a happy and satisfying marriage with Jean tells me that I have been vindicated by that decision although I often wish I had got that wisdom earlier. The common joke in our circle of family and friends is that some years ago when we were asked to reflect on why we had stayed married for so long, she mentioned that I would listen carefully to her advice, agree wholeheartedly, then go ahead and do my own thing. 

Whether that is true or not it is obvious that I had learned from experience that it was much wiser to agree to disagree than to fight over something which the next day would appear to have made no sense and for which pride would prevent a resolution. Nothing is wrong for the sake of peace in saying I am sorry, even if at first you don’t really see why you should. 

It is also possible to disagree without being disagreeable as very often words spoken in haste, or actions done in haste can and often do cause irreparable harm and result in us having to repent at leisure, although leisure is not the mood you are in when your are divorced, imprisoned, and filled with remorse at the violence you had committed against the one person you claim to have loved beyond all others.

Ask anyone who is separated or divorced or has lost a job, or who may be imprisoned because of actions taken as a result of anger or while under the influence of alcohol or other drug use what his or her mood is and I bet it would not be one of leisure but of regret and sorrow. Next time consider the consequences before you act and don’t let emotions control how you act.

 

One may well ask how does one change an accustomed pattern of reacting in haste especially since there are persons who seem to take pride in saying that they are hasty or have an anger management problem. A school of thought ( “six second pause”) suggests that there are several voices within us telling us how we should react but it is the one we allow to be the loudest to which we respond. For more on this check out the webpage:

 Emotional Intelligence: Issues and Common Misunderstandings.

There is another aspect of an Addictive Personality Disorder with which we are all too familiar, and that is the effects on family members. Though not always present in every family it is predominant enough to be of major concern because it is from the home the anger and bitterness begin and it is in the wider community it is expressed. 

Some of these negative symptoms include Incomplete formal education, Sexual abuse, Incest, Low self-esteem, Spousal abuse,  Poverty, Fear of separation or divorce, Separation from family and friends, Alcoholism, and Mental illnesses.

Because of these corresponding problems which affect the entire family, an addictive personality disorder is considered to be a family illness and every effort must be made to assist in this respect including mandatory drug testing and mandatory referrals especially in high risk occupations such as Police, Army, etc. 

 It would be the easiest thing to fall into a state of depression when becoming fully aware of the hurt and pain you have caused  and this is why an understanding of the twelve step recovery programme is so important. It gives us the strength to be able to not only seek forgiveness from others but also learn to forgive ourselves.

I will continue our conversation as the days progress. in the meantime feel free to criticize these posts on my blog and offer your own take on the issue of  RESTORING RELATIONSHIPS WITH FAMILY MEMBERS.